Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
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Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?