*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
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My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers