[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
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I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*