First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
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Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.