Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
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“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
bro what is going on at twitter
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go