Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
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Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Gods work.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”