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Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.