“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
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If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.