My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
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#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
CRYING
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.