My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
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Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
*puts my mental health in rice
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad