my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
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1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
wtf management?!
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
awkward
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision