I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
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MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Namaste
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.