70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
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Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.