God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
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PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.