My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
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It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me