I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
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this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Chicago sounds lovely.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.