Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
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Light as a feather, smorg as a board
I can’t be the only one 😂
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs