*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
You Might Also Like
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.