My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
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My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?