I have a black belt in leather
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Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Welcome to the stomach
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
his wife is probably gonna see that
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.