Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
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Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.