Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
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Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Become ungovernable.