Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
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[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
🤣✨#caturday
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
he’s doing your taxes
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.