Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
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Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
The “research” scene in every horror movie
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.