It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
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Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.