Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
You Might Also Like
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.