Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
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I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Saturday
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
can’t believe I got front row seats
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist