Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
You Might Also Like
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.