I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
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If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
wait.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no