*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
You Might Also Like
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
shampoo implies shampee
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.