You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
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When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”