Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
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I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”