FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
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I’m not proud
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
My first child will be named New Folder.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”