I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
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I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Generation gap…
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”