GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
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There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
This guy’s not having it 😆
you gotta be faster
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
My wife has the worst taste in men.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Watson was Holmes schooled
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories