*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
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me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.