Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
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Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
The French word for sex is croissant.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…