Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
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A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
early stone age tool
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.