me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
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Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Not messing around
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.