Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
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Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.