[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
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“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE