This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
You Might Also Like
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.