Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
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When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion