A new level of troll.
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[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Always
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach