I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
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I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
My biological clock is wheezing.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
🤣🤣🤣
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead