Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
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boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.