Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
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Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint