everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
You Might Also Like
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Education is vital
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.