“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
You Might Also Like
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.