my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
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I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”